Banks announce the end to systemic theft. Introduce new fees.

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Today the big four banks announced a joint initiative to end the systemic corruption in their independent businesses, ending decades of corporate theft costing trillions of dollars.

The banks, led by the CBA, who famously advised customers to invest in their dodgy in-house investments, and who only ever pay fractions of a percentage point in interest on their high interest savings accounts, outlined the series of steps they would be taking to improve the safety of the system.

The long list of changes included rotating management between the banks, destruction of key records that explain how the fraud was committed, retirement of key management to overseas positions, and lobbying the government for changes to the legislation that would enforce clemency on anyone prosecuted for the banks indescretions.   Also on the laundry list was draft legislation to retrospectively legalise the questionable business practices.

Spokesperson for the bank Robbie Yurdollah said the changes would greatly improve their safety and confidence in the banking system.

But it doesn’t come without a price.  Cost to implement the scheme is expected to fall around the 4 billion dollar mark, which would be passed onto the consumer as a $250 per person per year annual fee on all accounts.

Yurdollah explained that consumers would be the ones to benefit from the changes.   “They will begin to see the improvement from the moment that $250 is taken from their accounts.”

In the event you dont have $250 in your account, it gets even better.  “Those who are overdrawn as a result of the new fee will get to experience our world class overpayment system, with the additional benefits of service fees.  These guys are the ones we really love, and we’ll go to great lengths to keep them. ”

Fortunately there are ways for the savvy consumer to avoid even these new fees.  “Maintain a minimum balance of $100M and we will waive the fee for everyone who qualifies.”, Yurdollah added.

Market capitalisation of GlobalMarketDynamics, owner of Australia’s four big banks went up by about $6Bn on release of the announcement, meaning the good news just keeps on coming.

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