Senate Rejects Tillerson. Trump Nominates Putin for Secretary of State.
Amid escalating tensions in Trumps battle to get his cabinet picks confirmed, members of his own party have joined with Democrats and the majority of Americans and rejected Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State. While most of the GOP continued to justify why their support for Tillerson and his significant Russian connections does not contradict their historic anti-Russian agenda, Trump seemed to accept that Tillerson would have to stand aside.
Instead, he nominated again.
Standing at a hastily arranged podium outside of the Kent St Krispy Kreme, and holding a mixed dozen donuts for presumably later consumption, Trump announced his new pick for America’s second most important job.
“America needed Rex, such a great guy. We once did this thing with this girl… Such a great great great guy. But now I say I have such great crowds and this guy has great crowds too. You know.. Greatest crowds ever. Not as great as my crowds, but still the greatest in his country… Vladimir Putin I think will be the greatest American Secretary of State of all time. The absolute greatest. I mean who better to handle Russia than Putin? He’s super qualified. He’s got a lot of respect. And he is going to help me make America great again.”
The lack of an assembled press didn’t phase the president, with this report being recorded by a tourist mistaking him for Biff from Back To The Future.
Putin had no comment when we contacted his office, except to say it was his “life long dream to toil with American workers in the Secretary of State of America.” He added that he would have an excellent relationship with the average American, as long as nobody makes any trouble.
Republican party veterans were outwardly outraged, but privately agreed Putin would make an excellent Secretary of State due to his strong connections with Russia. Some speculated he could become president despite what appears to be a constitutional issue with his birth certificate.
Senator John McCain, the worlds most anti-Russian senator was livid on hearing that someone had eaten his lunch. On the subject of Putin, he was more subdued. “He’s got some pretty good connections” he admitted.
Meanwhile another ignored intelligence report leaked by the CIA expanded on the list of American government representatives who were caught with pissing prostitutes in Moscow. McCain denied being on the tape saying that you “cant actually make out his face”, as did Trump who claimed there were “hundreds of orange faced fat idiots who were there that night”. But it is believed that a 2016 GOP end-of-year sex romp party is the source of the compromising material.
Putin was quick to reassure Americans that he was here for the right reason.
“I want us all to get along. Nobody gets hurt. We’re all friends here. So relax eh.. Vlad’s got this…”
The Senate is expected to pass Putin’s nomination by Friday.