Navy’s New Electromagnetic Rail Gun Also Wipes Credit Cards

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Interesting results from the Navy’s first test of its new rail gun.  The electromagnetic pulse generated by the navy’s new energy gun has the unfortunate side effect of wiping credit cards.

The pulse is so powerful that above a classified energy level, the weapon erases all the magnetic data held on a typical stripe card in a radius of several hundred meters.

In a FOI application response, Navy documents indicate the side effect was so severe that the entire crew of the USS Gerald Ford were affected, wiping bank cards, rewards cards and even the crews security access cards, preventing them from moving around the high tech ship as the electronic locks would not respond to the erased security cards.

“It was absolute chaos!” a source on the carrier said. “everyone from the captain down was locked in the room they were in when the gun was fired.  We were stuck for nearly a day.  And then we found out our bank cards were all busted too.  Everyone needs to get everything re-issued. Its a total balls-up!”

The crew remained trapped inside the high tech warship until 6pm, when cleaners arrived and unlocked the ship.  And by all accounts they had their hands full.  Not all of the crew were able to hold on until they could get to an unlocked toilet.  “NoOoo, nooo.  I no clean poop.. I come back later.” was the response from cleaning contractors El-Cleano Flooro, who are contracted to keep the Gerald Ford clean while in dock.

Crews in nearby helicopters were also affected, with one officer complaining his bankcard had stopped working after the firing.

Scientists tipped that the latest and most modern US carrier would have been heavily shielded to prevent the huge EMF effect, but designers at Wankburys Shipyards, builders of all US aircraft carriers said they hadn’t “thought of that. Steam doesn’t have that problem, and thats what she was designed to use.  Not our problem if you’re going to fit in some aftermarket gear.  That even invalidates the warranty.”

President Trump also weighed in via twitter.   “Navy must by extended warranty with every nw ship.  Internotional embarassment. Sad.”  (Those are Trumps typos, not mine.)

Wankburys Spokesman Tug McNutts explained that the Presidents extended warranty wouldn’t have made any difference.  “It’d add a billion or two to the cost, but if you’re going to start modifying these things, then you’re on your own.”

To make matters worse, the extreme high speed of the rail-gun projectile induces eddy currents in all metals as it passes by, transferring some of its energy to them.  This has the effect of providing a type of energy regeneration to many types of metallic alien enemies if you don’t score a perfect hit, making the weapon all but useless in the space battles its eventually expected to participate in.

USS Gerald Ford with sister ship USS Harrison Ford in their expected space configuration.

Trump vowed to fix the embarrassment by renegotiating it somehow, because that always works.


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