Transcript Of Trump And Turnbull’s Phone Call

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Sources within the NSA, peeved with Trump’s recent demotion of the NSA head from his daily meeting, have leaked a transcript of the call, picked up from a wiretap on the Australian PM’s secretary’s phone who was eavesdropping at the time.

Mellissa McDonodale, Signals Intelligence, Australian Targets Team, NSA leaked us the transcript on condition of anonymity.

Call is ringing.
Trump(laughing):  You've reached the Trump of Trump Manor. Trump speaking, how may I Trump your call?  
Turnbull(Prime Ministerly): President Trump! nice to talk to you.  As we say in Australia, "How they hanging?"
Trump(bragging):  Bigger and longer and stronger than anyone elses Mallyboy.
Turnbull(becoming uncomfortable): Yep, yep, you have the biggest dick.. we all know it.
Trump(bragging): And the best election win too...
Turnbull(tiring): Yeah, biggest in history.
Trump(bragging): And the hottest daughter right?
Turnbull(trying to move on): Yeah, she's ok.
Trump(angry): What the f*ck do you mean by that?
Turnbull(panicking):  Well of course she is a very beautiful young lady, with a great father.
Trump(angry): Bullsh*t, you said shes just ok.  What the F*ck is just OK?  OK isn't very beautiful with a great father, OK is something else.  What the f*ck do you mean by OK?
Turnbull(shitting himself): Uh, well in Australian terms, OK is better than an american OK..  you know like, like A-OK.
Trump(angrier): Oh, so now you're shitting on the American "OK"? F*ck you MALCOLM (emphasised).. Ivanka is the hottest chick in the universe and she came from me and don't you EVER forget it.  Now.. I've got the hottest daughter.... RIGHT?
Turnbull(struggling): Yep, shes the hottest chick in the whole world.
Trump(calmer): Yeah she is...  Do you want to bone her?
Turnbull(Perplexed):  Uh..  well..
Trump(calm): Its ok if you do..  Shes really hot right?  You just said she was the f*cken hottest chick in the world...   Why don't you want to nail her?
Turnbull(defensive): Well I don't think its appropriate to comment on ....
Trump(interrupting): Why not? Shes hot, you have a d*ck.  You don't want to do her? Are you gay or something?
Turnbull(defensive): Well no, of course you know...
Trump(interrupting): Yeah, you're gay aren't you..
Turnbull(defensive): Well you know I'm married and I'm not gay.
Trump(SHOUTING): SO WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO F*CK IVANKA?!?  ARE YOU TRYING TO INSULT ME?  DO YOU WANT ME TO GET MAD??
Turnbull(defensive): Well its just...
Trump(calm again): Oh hey, She's just walked in. Hello Sweetheart.  Do you want to talk to the President of Australia?  
Trump(to Turnbull): You better do this right.
Ivanka(cheerful): Hi there Mr Turnballs right?  Daddy said you had something to say to me...
Turnbull(choking): Ms Trump, its a pleasure to finally speak with you.  On behalf of all Aust....
Ivanka(agravated): urrrggggghhh... that's boring...  you're boring..  Say something interesting..
Turnbull(resigned):  *sigh*  You are so hot.... and I want to.. *sighs* "bone"... you so hard.
Ivanka(laughing): you couldn't afford it loser....  right, I'm done.
Trump(angry):  So you can tell my daughter you want to bang her, but you cant tell me??
Turnbull(panicking): Well I..
Trump(laughing): relax dipshit... it was a joke.
Turnbull(uncomfortable laughing): haha ,very good.
Trump(dead serious): OK numbnuts now what do you want.
Turnbull(relieved): well I wanted to get your agreement to honour your countries pledge to take 1250 of the refugees we're holding in our asylums.
Trump(berserk): DO YOU EVEN WATCH THE NEWS!  NO F***ING WAY!  I HATE REFUGES! THEY ARE THE WORST DEAL EVER!
Turnbull(pressing): well it would be a good opportunity to improve your reputation and international standing...
Trump(So mega angry he's gritting teeth): You weaselly little worm, I have a great reputation.  Everyone LOVES me..  You hear me TurnBALLS..  I'm the greatest human being of all time and you dare talk to me this way....
Turnbull(resigned): You probably don't want to hear this but...
Trump(Seething so much hes starting second level of mega angry): You're damn right I don't.  I didn't get here by listening.  Now take your pissy country and f*ck right off.  I don't ever want to hear from you again. You might be white, but not that white.
... Call ends.

A spokesman for Malcolm Turnbull insisted that the call was cordial and went well.

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