Nottnews.com Honours Its Dead. Vows To Be Truthier Than Ever.
Shockwaves rippled through the Politics team of Nottnews media as staff struggled to comprehend the loss of two of its favourite characters to Saturdays Trump/Bannon mass killing in Central Park earlier today.
Jeremy Reporterson was a dedicated professional reporter who served with the Nottnews team from its inception just over a week ago. Reporterson devised the funny strategy of outing everyone who came to us under condition of anonymity. That joke that never seems to die, unlike Reporterson himself who did.
Reporterson was also the target of a Fatwa for his religious articles, some of which revealed painful truths and the close links between the Koran and the Bible. Ironically, Trump will receive a $200,000 payment from IS-IS for completing this long outstanding Fatwa.
Squeak McTruthteller was the newest member of the team, and was taken on all potentially dangerous missions to allow deadly drama to unfold while not risking any of the A-Team. Squeak was one of a long line of disposable interns who died getting us news worthy of publication. His red shirt will be passed on to his replacement hired today – Donny Deadmeat.
The pair will be sorely missed in these corridors.
Reporterson’s was known for his cranky argumentative style and questionable investigative techniques. They took time to get used to, but ultimately became part of this team, changing it for the better.
McTruthteller could always be found getting pushed around near the toilets, or getting beaten up in the carpark. He brought a sense of fun and enthusiasm to the workplace.
May your souls rest in peace.
If you wish to pay your respects to Reporterson and McTruthteller consider reading their articles, take an interest in the products and services that share the page space, or liking, sharing, or subscribing for more content from surviving members of the Nottnews team.
UPDATE: Donny Deadmeat has been replaced by Lucky Hampsterman after failing in his first task. After being asked to carry two heavy archive boxes down some slippery outdoor steps to the archive room he made the ridiculous mistake of falling, fatally breaking his spine in 11 places and getting some documents wet. Its the last time we’re hiring a double leg amputee. Therefore his estate will be sued to recover costs incurred repairing the stains to the driveway and reprinting of the wet documents. Donny did not have time to get to know anyone, so we’re not writing a full piece for him.
We hope you can complete a full day in heaven Donny.
We cover the shooting below.