Two Thirds Of White House Mail Now Glitter Bombs
Sources within the White House have told us that the majority of the correspondence addressed to Trump contains a glitter bomb, and that the dump-trucks full of glitter are starting to cause real problems for White House staff.
The glitter bomb an envelope or parcel concealing a couple tablespoons of loose glitter, designed in such a way that when opened, the glitter shoots out all over the receivers lap, shoes, carpet, desk, keyboard, pets, and anything else within a few feet at the time. The glitter is notoriously hard to clean up, and it sticks to everything without the need for an adhesive. Brushing it off just moves it to your hands. Glitter typically stays around for weeks, showing up on your face, in your breakfast, everywhere.
Its usually accompanied by a short note explaining that you’re an asshole or similar, and is usually non-toxic.
Trumps diving popularity, and the likelihood that he still opens his own mail, is driving the explosion in presidential glitter assaults.
The fact that glitter is one of the standard icons of the LGBTQ community is not lost on the President, according to our anonymous White House mailroom source Petra Fayed, who agreed to talk to us on condition of anonymity.
According to Fayed, up to two thirds of White House mail is made up of glitter bombs. The remaining third are deliveries of XXStrong spray tan, hand enlargement cream, penis pumps, and bags of burning excrement.
Trumps desire to open his own mail likely comes from the content he is believed to have ordered. “He also gets a lot of magazines in black plastic”
Fayed’s advice to those wanting to get a message to Trump – make the envelope colourful, or try putting the Nazi symbol on it. Trump can’t read, so don’t bother with words, and please stop sending the burning faeces. It only stinks up the porch, and Trump only goes outside via the lower west exit anyway, since he never walks uphill.