Trump Needs Good News Fluffer

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We’re all aware of Trump’s half-page daily brief that informs him of the key issues affecting the country in the next 24 hours.

But with the news cycle savaging him daily for his incompetence, ineptitude, campaign ties to Russia, revolving door White House, destruction of consumer protections etc, he needs a little something to keep him focussed on the job at hand.

Trump has a small team of staff who prepare for him a “good news folder”, about 25 pages in length comprising of positive news stories to fluff the President’s ego.

We spoke with the team responsible for creating the daily document.

Donald Sanus, Principle Editor for Bump Up Trump says his team initially just spent all day reading news and tweets and cherry picking the good stuff.  But its not that easy anymore.  “The only thing that keeps Trump from going beserk is the idea that people love him, and thats just not possible to sustain in reality.  People loved Obama, but not Trump..  Hes uhh..  he’s different.”

According to Sanus, “In the beginning it was ok.  The right wing nutters had a lots of positive things to say.  But these days we pretty much just make it all up.  And if  someone calls in sick, we just take articles from WaPo which are critical of Mr Trump, and add the word NOT, or ISNT, or DIDNT to the headline.  I’m pretty sure Trump doesn’t read the article, so we’re good to go.  There just isnt any good news out there”

One of Sanus’s aides added, “I mostly write nice headlines and then fill the article with stuff like Lorem ipsum dolor etc.  He’s a bit dumb.  Oh and he pays me $250k for it. ”

We asked some average Americans what they thought of Trump’s need for a taxpayer funded fluffer.  Overwhelmingly they thought it was the job of the First Lady to keep him up, but understood that she probably didn’t want to do it.  “He’s gross” was the unprompted response from 97% of participants.

 

 

 

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