BREAKING! Man claiming to be Jesus returned, gunned down by concealed carry pastor.
A man claiming to be Jesus Christ was shot dead while trying to enter the Houston Megachurch. Authorities claim he was distributing fish and wine without appropriate license, and attempting to help the sick and injured. He was also an undocumented immigrant.
The man managed to spread his arms in a T shape before he died. As the man’s body turned to ash a ghostly figure appeared and began a short speech before being drowned out by loud Christian rock music from the church. The megachurch’s public address system thundered the music until the apparition left. The contents of the speech could not be heard.
The Pastor of the megachurch was identified as the shooter. Jesus’ true message is unpopular in these parts, with the Bible being largely replaced by copies of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.
NRA spokesman Biff Banger (seriously his real name can you believe it) said the incident proved that guns were irreplaceable tools for keeping people safe.
Biff continued : “This guy was shot in the back by the church owner while trying to enter his property. It could have been much worse. Also, If he was carrying his own handgun, he’d probably still be alive. Guns are that great.”
NottNews’ Senior Heaven Correspondent St Michael de Cheese confirmed the man was Jesus of Nazareth, Israel
The Pastor will not be charged with Jesus’ death.