Research Says – Tell Your Boss To Get Stuffed

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New research by the Pokey Institute of Workplace Excellence seems to suggest that telling your boss to go jump is the most effective path to workplace happiness and efficiency.

Researchers followed the professional lives of 1322 employees across 800 companies.  Participants were given five canned responses to use in conversations with their boss.   Bosses were not made aware of the employees participation in the scheme.  Participants were told to use one of the five responses as a reply to any direct instruction and as the only form of communication with a superior during the research period.

The allowed responses were:

1 –  “Absolutely, I’ll get right on it.”

2 –  “Sure, I’ll let you know when by this afternoon.”

3 –  “I’m not sure thats a good idea. I’m going to run it past your boss.”

4 –  “I’ll think about it.”

5 –  “Fuck off.”

The results amazed researchers.  Over 66% of participants reported having improved workplace happiness when they told their boss to fuck off.   Less than 10% reported improvement with any other response.    Of the 66%,  almost three quarters reported having a relaxing day.  14% were fired on the spot.  Even 8% reported getting a promotion.

The Pokey Institute assured participants that it would mitigate any negative effects to allow employees to freely use the test phrases without fear of reprisals.  As a result, once the research was completed, anyone who lost their job was paid an additional $50.

Beyond the direct benefits for employers and employees, co-workers also received a similar morale boost. In the 42% of cases when a employee used response 3-5, their colleagues within earshot did burst into applause.

There were some other unusual results.  During the 3 month research period, participating employees only ever used responses 3-5.  Not one person used response 1 or 2.  Researchers think this is due to the guarantee that there would be no negative consequence.

So, whats the secret to a happy workplace?  We think the research is pretty clear.  If you’re in need of a safe way to improve your office and to boost morale in your workplace, tell your boss to shove it.  Or at least test out the research in your company.


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