Save Your Sanity With Short Notice Daycare.
A new child-care startup is opening its doors this month to help those most in need – parents with annoying kids.
Arkham Asylum For Criminally Insane Kids, also known as Grey Pillars Day Care, has premises scattered throughout Australia.
Grey Pillars specialises in a short notice, low cost, no frills day care incarceration for children aged 4-13.
Their process is simple. You bring your child to the day prison. They restrain them until you are ready to have them back. Meanwhile, you can enjoy a day shopping, or just a nap on the couch.
Grey Pillars is only open during weekends, school holidays and public holidays. Including Christmas.
They offer a solution for parents who are at their wits end who are desperate for relief.
Membership is $75 which goes toward setting up facilities in suburbs near you and allows you to drop your kids in with zero notice.
The company charges $20 a day to 8pm for standard incarceration or $60 if overnight stay is needed. You can have someone show up and ‘arrest’ your child for a $50 fee.
Facilities are absolute bottom rung. Children are issued an orange jumpsuit and Dora branded leather wrist restraints. Children can sleep anywhere on the concrete that they please. Grey Pillars assure us that child density will not exceed one child per cubic meter, unless they make it obvious theres lots of space.
There is a certain amount of disincentive engineered into Arkham Asylum. Parents love it, but kids don’t ever want to come back. According to CEO Eve Elbetch thats all part of the plan.
We weren’t allowed to see inside, and despite sounding like conditions were horrific we assure you that a company that sponsors NottNews is absolutely ok.
The company has faced criticism from social justice warriors with no kids, but Eve is adamant that all appropriate protections are in place. “We issue our Correction Officers with quality batons, kid-safe pepper spray, and firearms with rubber bullets. Each facility is also fitted with a lock-down mode that floods the area with military spec pepper spray. And lets not forget they are fully grown adults overseeing children in handcuffs.”
“Screaming children get chucked down the kid-hole. But mostly theres no trouble. They are petrified when they arrive and once they go home they don’t come back. We turn them good.”
The company prides itself on ensuring that kids cannot bother you once inside. “You’ll hear from us at collection time, or if they’re dead. Not before.” Ms Elbetch boasted proudly. “Plus we employ the highest number of real ex-convicts as part of our spectrum of community services. To prove we care.”
Record demand is giving the company a real headache with parents signing up in numbers beyond the company’s capacity. In addition, parents are demanding the company increase the limits of age they will accept from 4-13 to 2-15. In response Arkham is taking ideas from ride-sharing company Uber, by storing children in empty garages and broom closets around the country.
If you have a spare basement or well fenced concrete yard and want to make a few dollars, Arkham Asylum for Kids wants to hear from you.