Flat-Earther Idiot Fails in Attempt to Kill Self

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Flat-Earther, Mike Hughes, failed on Saturday to successfully complete his death wish “rocket” launch after parachutes fired too early, and forced his launch attempt to sail safely to the ground.  Hughes’ original plan called for the ‘chutes to open after his vehicle had cratered, but he turns out to be as effective an engineer as he is a scientist.

Hughes, whose grand plan was to somehow “prove” the earth is a disc shape by launching a steam powered rocket with him inside,  had clearly planned to be killed in the event so he could avoid the humiliating questions posed by observers.

Many have suggested that if the world was disk shaped as is suggested by Hughes and like-minded idiots, that they could easily prove it by walking to the edge and jumping off.  However, after several trips around the world via aircraft, Hughes and his colleagues failed to find the edge of the planet (and the fault in their logic).

Hughes’ steam powered rocket ascended to a height of 220m, slightly below the summit of the nearby hill where we observed his launch, providing the flat-earth scientists with decades of useful data, and breaking his spine in 12 places.

Hughes demonstrated his rocket launch site using a short video captured from google earth, and was using a satellite phone to say goodbye to uninterested family members.  He also mentioned gravity in an unironic manner.

As his ambulance disappeared over the horizon at dusk, we boarded our helicopter and watched the sun set twice in one day.

After his spine fuses, he plans to run for Mayor as a Republican.

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