Turnbull: Unhappy Export Cattle Should Get Jobs

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Turnbull turns on bulls

Turnbull turns on bulls

In response to growing public pressure to address cruelty in the live export industry, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull today suggested that the cows were responsible for their own situation, and could solve the problem by getting a job.

In a statement that unwittingly compared Centerlink’s treatment of its systemic unemployed citizens to the deadly conditions during live beef export, Turnbull suggested that each bovine’s own decision making was responsible, and that they’ve been spending their time on using grass instead of personal improvement.

“When you have a large herd of cows standing around, with no gainful employment, its a clear indication that they have il-intent toward polite society, and we’d be remiss not to do something about it.”

“Most governments would ship their malcontents to somewhere else.. ”  appearing to reference the English treatment of its convicts through live export where many failed to complete their trip alive, “But we have a solution.  Society welcomes upstanding cows into its ranks, and if these sides of beef were to grab life by the horns and go out and get a good job they will find society a better place.  Buying a house wouldn’t hurt either.”

The PM dismissed suggestions that systemic faults in the cattle industry were responsible for the animals being grown in controlled conditions and harvested for their meat. “Rediculous”, he said ” its nothing like society at all.”

The PM’s popularity stayed high among billionaires and held his ground against defective alternative PM Bill Shorten, whose response was to surprise reporters by taking a bite out of a raw cow at a QLD farm he was inspecting.

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