Pence To Reassure Europe: “I Don’t Know Either.”
Vice President Mike Pence is preparing for a tightly packed European vacation this week, as he hopes to spend enough time with allies to find a new job when the US implodes. With Trump spouting...
Nottnews Newstream
President Trump Is Unconsciously Incompetent. Blames Pills For Sore Balls.
There are four stages to competency in any profession. Some are benign and can be worked through, some can be fatal and the employee must be removed. The two others are normal and healthy development....
MUSK: SpaceX Tech To Be Used In Next Gen Tesla
Technology superstar, Elon Musk, today announced that he would be combining some elements of SpaceX and Tesla’s revolutionary products to maintain their lead in their respective industries. SpaceX, a futuristic space delivery company with...
NOT ME!: Trump Shows Foreign Leaders “Who’s The Boss” TV Sitcom
President Trump’s latest attempt to project power on the international stage has gone unsurprisingly awry. He is believed to have given inexperienced Secretary of State Rex Tillerson the instruction to show foreign leader whose...
Trump to Hitler: You’re Not The Only One With Just One Ball
Short story is that Trump was tweet warring with a fake Hitler account and seemed to miss the point. Hitler was famous for only having one ball, the other being held the Albert...
Trump Confuses Mike Pence with “My Pants” In Chat With Canadian PM.
In an uncomfortable exchange with Canadian PM Justin Trudeau, Trump again showed how ill-equipped he is to carry out the duties of the President. Trudeau, calmly as ever, suggested to Trump that he would...
Trump Disappointed Melania Can’t Walk Around Naked On Air Force One.
President Trump today signed an executive order that would legally allow wife Melania to travel on Air Force One naked. Trump is well used to flying in luxury, with his own TRUMP branded Boeing...
Mundine In Perth To Front Green. Gets Beaten Senseless By Heroic Airport Security.
Mundine is a cockhead. Nobody likes him. Everyone just wants to see someone punch his lights out. He’s got a face that’s asking for it, and he just wont shut up. That’s why...
Shorten’s Zinger To PM: “I Know You Are But What Am I?”
Bill Shorten today unveiled his latest zinger for the Australian public. In response to an eye-watering assault from PM Malcolm “Trumble” which left the Opposition leader quietly sobbing, he silently commissioned a team of...
Colin Barnett: “We’re Boned”
West Australian Liberals today are in chaos today as the leader of the party all but conceded defeat in a private conversation overhead at a Perth coffee shop. A man, looking a lot like...
BREAKING: Cows Can Predict Weather
Scientists at the Central University of Bovine Studies today completed a decade long investigation into cows’ apparent ability to predict rain. The domestication of the European common cow – Bos Taurus of the Bovidae family...
Comedian Writes Spoof Politics Page. Turns Out To Be Real.
What a time we live in. Of all the things we have to worry about, why is it that a satirical piece of text, written in jest, happens to suddenly become the subject of life...
Cory Bernardi Follows In Trumps Footsteps – Wants A Relationship With Putin.
Cory Bernardi, Australias most 1930’s politician, famed bigot, public hypocrite and all round ass-hat has played his hand in the Liberal Club today and walked out, hoping to congeal the worst of the party’s conservatives...
Trump Still Not Sure Where White House Bathroom Is.
Television obsessed Trump has now spent three weeks in the White House. Yet staffers say he still doesn’t know where the bathroom is. Reportedly, he goes back to Trump Tower when he needs to...
Two Thirds Of White House Mail Now Glitter Bombs
Sources within the White House have told us that the majority of the correspondence addressed to Trump contains a glitter bomb, and that the dump-trucks full of glitter are starting to cause real problems...
Nottnews.com Honours Its Dead. Vows To Be Truthier Than Ever.
Shockwaves rippled through the Politics team of Nottnews media as staff struggled to comprehend the loss of two of its favourite characters to Saturdays Trump/Bannon mass killing in Central Park earlier today. Jeremy Reporterson was...
Reporter Asks Trump About Legitimacy. Trump and Bannon Shoot Seven.
Saturday. Central Park has always been a place to escape the pace of the city. A place to walk, talk, sit for a while, maybe run into someone famous hiding in some bushes. Today...
Trump Eases Sanctions On Russia: Putin Gets Gift Bag.
President Trump quietly relaxed sanctions on Russia yesterday immediately following their phone conversation. Trump disabled the White House call recording system, so no American sources could capture the contents of the call. But sources...
We Should Honour Trump. He’s Had Huge Success For Someone Who Can’t Read.
I suddenly like Trump. A man who has suffered through criticism after criticism. A man who beat out the best the Republican establishment has to offer. A man who has succeeded where every single...
Transcript Of Trump And Turnbull’s Phone Call
Nottnews has secured an exclusive treat. Sources within the NSA, peeved with Trump’s recent demotion of the NSA head from his daily meeting, have leaked a transcript of the call, picked up from a...
Trump Names Self As Supreme Court Nominee
You just cant make this stuff up. With his first week in office resulting in 20 executive orders issued and 20 executive orders retracted or challenged in court, Trump has clearly recognised that he...
Trumps Secret For Getting Things Done…. Gravity And Lure Of A Burger.
Dazzled at the lightning pace this new administration delivers blow after terrible blow to our beloved USA, business experts gathered to try and decipher Trumps secrets to getting so much done. Despite hurdles such...
Electromagnetic Radiation Can Makes Plants Bigger
Researchers at the Plow Institute of Science announced today that compelling new evidence against the anti-WiFi lobby’s broad claims that electromagnetic waves have a negative impact on life. Researchers set up a scientifically acceptable...
Navy’s New Electromagnetic Rail Gun Also Wipes Credit Cards
Interesting results from the Navy’s first test of its new rail gun. The electromagnetic pulse generated by the navy’s new energy gun has the unfortunate side effect of wiping credit cards. The pulse is...
Trump Saves $600M On F35 Program By Dropping GLX Spec. Goes for G Spec Family Wagon Instead.
President Trump announced a $600M saving on the F35 fighter program today, ended months of speculation on what he meant by his threats of renegotiating the deal. “Obama just ticked all the option boxes...
Trump Agrees To Appear On Biggest Loser
A new show will be aired on NBC this weekend, titled The Real Biggest Loser. The presentation plays on the success of NBC’s existing Biggest Loser reality series – an innovative format show intended to encourage...
No Time Travellers Stopped Trump. Trump Stopped Science First.
So no time travellers came from the future to stop Trump from destroying the world. Despite the scrutiny, not a single one has been caught up in our justice system or mental health institutions....
Turnbull Receives Petition With 24 Million Signatures: Still Finds Excuse To Ignore It.
On the steps of Parliament House today, Malcolm Turnbull was greeted by a small army of Australia Post workers carrying packages containing a staggering 24 million verified Australian signatures. The unprecedented petition was organised...
Senate Rejects Tillerson. Trump Nominates Putin for Secretary of State.
Amid escalating tensions in Trumps battle to get his cabinet picks confirmed, members of his own party have joined with Democrats and the majority of Americans and rejected Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State....
Your Spray Is Set To Stun, Not Kill.
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon’s Hall of Justice have released research that proves ‘roaches and other insects are harder to beat than you think. We’ve all seen the upside down critters after a dose of...
Banks announce the end to systemic theft. Introduce new fees.
Today the big four banks announced a joint initiative to end the systemic corruption in their independent businesses, ending decades of corporate theft costing trillions of dollars. The banks, led by the CBA, who...
Trump in road rage spitting incident
Frustrated by continuing poor performance, record low approval ratings and now health issues, the President today lashed out at Police escorting his motorcade. The motorcade was accompanying Trump to a WWF match at...
PM Malcolm Turnbull takes the lead on Trumps immigration
After years of political non-leadership, Australian Prime Minister has finally taken a stand on an issue. Turnbull, who came to power by toppling the universally unpopular conservative elected PM Tony Abbott, has made a...
Trump declares war on Afganistan – immediately rescinds it.
President Trump used a hastily arranged photo opportunity at a local Burger King today to declare war on Afghanistan, apparently unaware that we are already at war with the landlocked mid-east nation. “Change is...
Vast Gas Clouds Function as a Neural Network
Researchers at the Mormon Institute of Technology today announced that they had detectable proof that the giant gas clouds of outer space could be capable of rudimentary thought. The scientists were working with datasets...
Trump eats spanish “hair cheese”.
The actions of the rich and famous have always seemed unusual to this reporter, but Donny J Trump has now taken the cake. Often, very rare or difficult to manufacture items make it to...
Trump declares Valentines Day Feb 14 a public holiday, but only in Republican held states.
President Trump used his executive power today to declare a new national public holiday to celebrate Valentines day. The new order takes effect from Feb 14 2018, to give people time to sort out...
Trump declares, then rescinds new public holiday.
President Trump used a visit to a local McDonalds today to announce that he would make future election days a public holiday. “Our great democracy needs its citizens to be able to participate, legally...
New pages discovered in the worlds oldest bible!
The oldest text in human history has long been considered by many to be both perfect and incomplete. But researchers at the Hartford Institute of Religious Research have found something of a miracle in...
Trump asks America to spell Trump with lower case “t”
In an attempt to placate critics who claim the president is too self-aggrandising, he today announced that he was changing his name officially to “trump”, with a lower-case t. This immediately follows his purchase...